Hope

Hope spoke to me
In a melody that I'd forgotten
Long ago.
She smiled and said,
"Just as you have
Clambered from the abyss
While it dragged you down
With a soul crushing force,
So will your wings
Erupt from the cage
That is your body,
To help you on a journey
To your dreams."
"But what of the pain?" I cried,
"Will it ever subside?"
She reached down
And plucked the heavy brick
That constricted my breathing
And weighed on my bleeding heart.
I breathed a sigh of relief
But gasped in horror
When a new brick
Started budding in its place
Along with oozing thorns of terror.
Hope bent to whisper in my ear,
Her warm breath washing over me
Causing the tree of nightmares
To pause for a moment
And wonder at her words,
"Pain and fear are immortal,
Just like me."

I Wait

They tell me my words were good.

They whisper “Where are you now?

You are not who you used to be

You are not right

You are not...”

I am me.

I am where I was meant to be.

This path was one I chose to walk on

And I shan't regret not following the herd

They tell me I'm strange

And wrong

And ask me to fight.

They tell me to hold my head high

To smile and accept all fury

To suck in my belly and hold the noose tight

Be right

Be right

I am not right.

I am anything but straight neat and sheer perfection

I am anything but confidence and strict beliefs

I am anything but the box they're trying to fit me in

They frown

They walk away

Anger. Fury. How dare she give up?

How dare she not try,

They whisper in menace

And I merely look up to say

It's not the right time

As the world explodes around me

In a spray of blood, sweat and agony

I wait

I wait for the tide to calm

For a breath of fresh air

I wait

I wait for my muse

As she takes my hand

And gently shows me the yellow path

That is when I wake up

That is when I let the anger loose

That is when I let my heart explode

Leaving tears and gasps in my wake

Fragments of my soul touching theirs

Stirring the still, calming the panicked

As I lie still in the dust

Finally smiling.

Dreams in a Box

Snipets in the snow
Crackling under our feet
As we tred lightly
Over the plain marshland
And I open my eyes
To the cracked paint on the ceiling
Dry, dull, flaking nothingness
And shut them again
Blocking the brick walls
And breaking through the window
Into the late winter sunlight
Face to the sky
A snowflake on my lower lip
Ice melting onto hot skin
Wind scraping past frozen cheeks
That peek exposed beyond the
Thick wooly jacket
Beneath the lifeless eyes
Suddenly breathing colour
Soaking into the crinkles
Seeping through the skull
Strange as it sounds
A whistling
Between branches
And we tred
I'm surrounded
By many a soul struck in awe
At this world
Could it be real?
If only...
I've waited twenty five  years
To open my eyes
To paint flaking off the ceiling
Dreaming into boxes
And sinking them into the vast hopeless ocean
Could it be?
Could it ever be?

Uninspired

Never thought there'd come a day
When you'd be satisfied with not dreaming
When the mediocrity of every day life
Becomes the new normal
When
The mere thought of a free day
Feels like an alien concept
To earn which you must sweat and bleed

Never thought there'd come a day
When you can't even lay back and stare at nothing for a few minutes
When the mere thought of not doing something. Anything. Is like a cringe-worthy plague.

Never thought there'd come a day
When you did not wish to do what you love
Even of it was at your own pace
Even of it made your heart skip a beat
Even if the day was perfect.

Never thought there'd come a day
When the only thing that ever really mattered to you
Did not matter any more
For who can say what can be desired
Or what one must have
To live a life worth fighting for.

Never thought there'd come a day
When you were too numb and tired
To care about what is important
When all your connections and passions
Snip their strings and drift away.
Nothing matters.

Never thought there'd come a day
When your heart died
And you were left breathing.
Never
In your life

City of grey

Dear city of toxic grey
I still hate you when I'm far away
When i step back by your buildings tall
The cars wizz by and splat i fall
Dear city of high rise walls
Your bricks are prisons for ragged dolls
And when i shut my eye in bed
Poison air wants to choke me dead
Dear city of burning red
The sky is not pure and I've lost my head
To the brisk pace no looking back or catching a break
Pull on the mask and act all fake
Dear city, where my life is at stake
I left and went on up to make
My life more calm and real and true
Then why is it that I miss you?

Try

Whispers in the night
Poisonous venom stabbing your gut
As you swallow the scream and
Blink away your burning eyes
Words haunt your mind
Hopelessness in your heart
"End me," you beg
As you silently wish for relief
Match strike, light the flame
Crztchk crack zzzle crack
The wax melts, drops on the dirt floor
It's wet with slime and you're still burning
Screaming writhing in pain for it just won't stop
Stop please! Stop now!
Screams for help
For mercy and death
But no
That hallucination is smiling
Laughing at your fate
As you reach out but never grab
It is too far away
But you writh and struggle closer
As your legs drag behind you
Useless, scrapped and bloodied as your nails
You crawl across the grime
"Please! Please!" you cry
But your guardian angel
Has either given up
Or is dead
And there is a knife in your hand
Cool and tempting you place it on your heart
The hallucination flickers
You pull the knife away and it's back
Watching you intently
Wearing your face and everything you ever wished to be
Lips frowning, brows crunched on confusion of its existence
"You shall not vanish," you whisper and drop the knife
And crawl again closer to the hallucination that's now weeping
"Not you! I need you to be perfect," you say, making it look up and wipe its face
You heave a sigh and shut your eyes
And your room englufs you
The hallucination is gone and
The sunlight is making the curtains glow.
Your watch has not ended
Still a long ways to go

Walk with me Phenomena

When one thing turned to another and then to another and another and another other other

I watched it plop! onto the pot of water throwing its reminiscent minions in all directions.

The water went plonk! boink! glug!! and hushhhh! Settling to its former calm self as the world breathed around it with hot air and a drifting petal on its way to someplace, where god knows, that exists outside of our little reality upon which we churn and churn our madness and obsession with meaning morality mortality and more

On and on toiling day and night yearning for just one drop, that one drop of mercy that would satisfy our souls for the sins we believe we created and cry tears of relief washed with the rain and clouds till our hearts are blank once more and we invent a new hurdle, a new struggle, a new must and need and stab our wants repeatedly solely to do what is right in our minds

To do what must be done despite ourselves.

We could just stop.

Stop for a second just to think and listen to the futility of our weighted stride, of our horrors and screams and tears of slimy sorrows.

Dear man! You are but a spec in the vastness of time and instead of worrying about that metal hand of yours that spins round and round and round... stop! look up. It is a vast endless universe of stars, rock and spaces undefined by your futility

Just stop, man! Stop and let your tears slide for the universe is mind-bogglingly beautiful and you have been chosen to be among the select privileged few to witness this amazing phenomenon that is life within a universe.

Stop!

Look up!

Be amazed at where you are!

Take me back

Take me back to a time when things were easier
When i never had to think twice about what i had to do
Take me back to the moment when there were no decisions
No obligations, no roadblocks and in front of me
Were just endless dreams yet to be dreamt
When laughter was simple and the smile wasn't forced
When my heart did not bleed at every turn
Take me back to the moment before existance took shape
Take me back to the nothingness
The comfort of a colourless void
Where nothing did and can exist
Where nothing needs to be done
Where dreams are vacant
And happiness is not even a concept worth fighting for
Take me back to the moment before the hopeless journey of things to do and persons to be
Take me back in time
Let me do it all over again
Maybe this time I'll remember to choose a better path
Maybe this time... It won't change at all
Then take me back to a time that was numb
No clock struck forward no minute called you forth
Take me back to a moment of unlimited existence within a chamber of nothingness
Or at the very least
Tell me my mission for this life
Show me the path to accomplish it
And give me the power and courage to keep going until i do
Or just let me leave this world
A bothersome mess
With nothing to contribute.

The Pole Dancer

"This is not the life I wanted,"

Said the woman, twirling about on the pole,

"When I was young, I wanted to be a dancer.

They said I had magic. I had soul.

And I did. I do. I must have. Don't I?

I don't remember any more

What I ever wished for. I just do

What I must to one day find a door

Away, far away from this mess,"

She flicked her hair and tossed her top,

"I mean, know I'm good at this," she winked,

"But I wonder if it'll ever stop."

She slunk to the ground and crawled to me,

Like a wild cat stalking its prey,

"But I'm really good at this,

And it's not so bad so I may stay,

Wait till I've got all that cash 

And make my way to the floor again, maybe..."

She gave me a peck on the cheek

"Because I feel like giving up lately,"

She said as the song ended and she vanished.

Opening my eyes, I thought of all I'd dreamt

My money making fingers aching from noisy content

And for once, I knew what she meant.

~ March 23, 2017

Servants of Time

Tick tock
She is born
He toddles his way across the floor
Tick tock
They bought her books!
He can now read sentences and make friends
Tick tock
They are young
The future is long. The world is big.
Tick tock
The school left behind
And they have grown to young adults
Tick tock
And slugging off to work
Their dreams just lie a-waiting.
Tick tock
And now they're parents
Watching, judging, critiquing
Tick tock
Another generation flung
Into a cycle till death do us part
Tick smash
I break the clock
I quit and let the world swim by
Crrrr chink
No I don't need it now
YOU DON'T OWN ME! You don't...
Chink tick
It's back again
And we're stuck in another routine.

When Summons Taunt and Haunts Beckon

Slowly but surely she settles into that role

Of gut wrenching pain in the mornings

And a satisfied sigh in the evenings

Her days are set. Her path is kept.

Should she wait or walk astray?

Her heart is silent today

It had been shushed too many times

Now it refuses to offer its opinion

Unless in extreme circumstances

When it is clearly not needed.

Her mind is tired.

It has been working on overdrive

Day in and day out

Adjusting to new demands. Solving immediate issues.

It just wants a long time out.

Her eyes are heavy

With make up, expectations and sleep

She dare not wink

Or she'll miss it. The opportunity.

The one that's never meant to be.

She has to fight the very Nature,

That ties her to her place,

Break past strings of contempt, history and silence,

Lick all wounds clean. Stand tall again.

Once more she'll jump.

Up or down. She'll never know.

She has only learnt to smile at flight

And brush off every fall

To carry on till she makes another jump,

Another step, another risk for the call.