Cries of pain, an anxious air,
Till a small mewling rinsed anxiety,
Spreading smiles as they’d declare
My love and protected longevity.
So, I was held, cuddled and kissed,
Loved, promised and missed,
I learnt what it was to be a princess
I embraced their dreamy incense,
I walked, I ran, I jumped, I skipped,
I wore the uniform, I learnt to lisp,
And write and read and sometimes tripped,
A holy incense, a vanishing wisp,
They held my hand and pulled me up,
Till some day they decided that I’d grown up,
That’s when the angry glares began,
At loud mouths, improper dress and head-band,
I learnt to bow my head by now,
I’d know what my father wished somehow,
I’d not ask, not speak unless spoken to
Each day repeated, bringing nothing new.
I was a woman now, all in full bloom.
They noticed me now and warned me of doom.
Be careful, beware, don’t attract, vanish!
Till the day we fulfil your “wish.”
But, they didn’t know, it wasn’t my wish,
Marriage was an inevitable karmatic dish.
How will I survive if I don’t “settle”?
My brother was the worker, I merely a petal!
Then came the truth of the burden of the girl child:
All expensive with her dowry, they reviled!
I sat all silent, forever silent, never a word,
Then one day when seventeen, a voice I heard.
He smiled, I smiled, we talked and laughed together,
He was soon my secret, no one could discover.
I knew it was evil, but we would never run away,
We would face up, but that was years and years from
today.
For now we just had words, and smiles
And an occasional blush and a kiss
And on vacations and weekend miles
His company I’d sorely miss,
For no one had an ear for me the way he did,
The rest saw a reflection, not the true me I hid,
I couldn’t be honest to them for I knew,
They would throw me out if they knew what was true,
So I kept my best friend in my heart and lived
Happily till that fateful day, when he last
breathed.
It was around the corner away from view
We held hands and chatted beneath the vast blue,
A lovely day, a peaceful present,
Till a sudden yell disrupted the moment.
They found us! My secret was out!
They beat him, yet to me he called out.
He loved me, I loved him, but it was a sin.
He died, murdered by my own kin.
I didn’t know the reason, I was being “protected”
From conversion and exploitation, but I lamented
Nothing but the loss of a friendly, loving soul.
They didn’t ask me. No words. Now there was a hole,
A silence, a void, and all they saw was an image:
Of a daughter exploited, saved from sacrilege.
Now the battle came, and I was shut in,
Shut out, away, to contemplate my sin.
I did contemplate, I thought back to my lesson,
Love. That was every religion’s intention.
So how have I sinned? By love?
By following the wise words pouring from above?
No one asked. No one cared. I was “exploited”.
Now I was to be given “safely” away and married.
I didn’t want this life. He was gone. Why must I endeavour?
And so, silent as incense, I shut my eyes forever.
